It always starts the same way. I'm being chased through a dark, cluttered, deserted building.
I find a place to hide but I hear him coming...my heart is pounding and I'm breathing hard, but trying to suppress any sound so as not to be discovered. But it always ends the same way, I hear the door to the room opening and his heavy footsteps coming towards the closet in which I'm hiding. He rattles the door knob then laughs maniacally as he pulls the door open wide and discovers me cowering...
And then I wake up...startled & terrified.
I know this stems from sexual abuse I suffered as a child from the age of about 6 to 12, at the hands of a much older cousin.
To this date, I can barely tolerate being in the same room with him. For days on end prior to a family function I'm physically ill, the nightmare comes back and I'm not a pleasant person to be around due to lack of sleep and emotional distress.
I'm torn...do I pursue what avenues I have to confront and find closure, thereby tearing my family apart or do I continue to suppress it and hope he'll get hit by a large truck so I won't have to destroy my family?
Who am I protecting?
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Expectations
So my mini-me came home with a permission form to attend a "tween" dance that his father had filled out and signed off on.
Not a big deal...usually!
The dance is this Friday, on my weekend with the boy. i don't have an issue taking him, in fact i think that it'll be a good opportunity for him to hone his socialization skills, (his father could take a lesson or twenty) but the expectation is that i will, without question, just because he signed him up for it.
There is a slight cost, $4 to get in and whatever it costs for refreshments - again, not a big deal...but - if he's going to sign him up, then HE should pay for it!
Ya right!
There was also "discussion" about school pictures and book orders from Scholastic. i asked the sperm donor for some money to help pay for these items, (given that he'll be getting some of the pictures to distribute to his family IF he pays up) and got the usual response..."well, get me receipts" - problem is, i don't get receipts and i'll be damned if i'll pay the bank for the cancelled cheques to be returned to me just to satisfy him! And he knows it too...it's the one loophole he can use to get out of paying his share of expenses incurred.
*sigh*
It's an ongoing battle...he knows how to push my buttons and does so with regularity - he needs to get a life of his own and get his entertainment elsewhere.
Not a big deal...usually!
The dance is this Friday, on my weekend with the boy. i don't have an issue taking him, in fact i think that it'll be a good opportunity for him to hone his socialization skills, (his father could take a lesson or twenty) but the expectation is that i will, without question, just because he signed him up for it.
There is a slight cost, $4 to get in and whatever it costs for refreshments - again, not a big deal...but - if he's going to sign him up, then HE should pay for it!
Ya right!
There was also "discussion" about school pictures and book orders from Scholastic. i asked the sperm donor for some money to help pay for these items, (given that he'll be getting some of the pictures to distribute to his family IF he pays up) and got the usual response..."well, get me receipts" - problem is, i don't get receipts and i'll be damned if i'll pay the bank for the cancelled cheques to be returned to me just to satisfy him! And he knows it too...it's the one loophole he can use to get out of paying his share of expenses incurred.
*sigh*
It's an ongoing battle...he knows how to push my buttons and does so with regularity - he needs to get a life of his own and get his entertainment elsewhere.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
self-doubt
While i'm working on getting over this most detrimental of personal issues, it still rears its ugly head with disappointing regularity.
Himself says i'm not allowed to have doubts about my capabilities...about myself.
Oooooook then...*deep breath*...and "smile, Sunshine...smile."
i had a meeting with my team leader and a co-worker today on a product that we now use, "WebCT Vista". It has a variety of uses and applications in our office and institution, but i'm going to be taking over a rather sizeable section for our department.
i know NOTHING about this particular piece of software...nada, zip, zilch....nuthin'!
Not a frickin' thing beyond logging in, i learned that today...lol
We are the IT department. 99% of the people that work in the department are BIG geeks...lol...i'm one of about 3 or 4 that aren't "true" geeks, we tend to be more administrative in nature. To be given this task and its enormity is extremely intimidating to me but also complimentary all at the same time. IF she didn't think i were capable, she wouldn't set me up to fail...right??? :)
Himself says i'm not allowed to have doubts about my capabilities...about myself.
Oooooook then...*deep breath*...and "smile, Sunshine...smile."
i had a meeting with my team leader and a co-worker today on a product that we now use, "WebCT Vista". It has a variety of uses and applications in our office and institution, but i'm going to be taking over a rather sizeable section for our department.
i know NOTHING about this particular piece of software...nada, zip, zilch....nuthin'!
Not a frickin' thing beyond logging in, i learned that today...lol
We are the IT department. 99% of the people that work in the department are BIG geeks...lol...i'm one of about 3 or 4 that aren't "true" geeks, we tend to be more administrative in nature. To be given this task and its enormity is extremely intimidating to me but also complimentary all at the same time. IF she didn't think i were capable, she wouldn't set me up to fail...right??? :)
Saturday, October 15, 2005
TWWWOOOOO
In another blog, a friend wrote something about her new baby which triggered a memory i have of the mini-me that always makes me giggle...
He was about 10 months old and on the go. Constantly.
At that time we lived in a semi-detached house, 2 flrs and a finished basement. Nice digs for starting out as homeowners. We'd gone from living together in a semi-decent two bedroom apartment in a 3 story walk-up to married, 'sponsible parents in a brand new house in a year's time - and i was also in school full-time from the time mini-me was 6 months old.
Anyhow...the boy was a mover...*grin* and any chance he got he was up the stairs if the babygate was down. One day i caught him about 5 stairs up and i employ the "1-2-3" method with him. It works. Most of the time....at least to get his attention.
i counted off....."ooooone"
And he replies..with his Gerber-baby-cute-grin on his face..."twwwwoooooooo!"
Well, at least i knew he was learning his numbers...lol
He was about 10 months old and on the go. Constantly.
At that time we lived in a semi-detached house, 2 flrs and a finished basement. Nice digs for starting out as homeowners. We'd gone from living together in a semi-decent two bedroom apartment in a 3 story walk-up to married, 'sponsible parents in a brand new house in a year's time - and i was also in school full-time from the time mini-me was 6 months old.
Anyhow...the boy was a mover...*grin* and any chance he got he was up the stairs if the babygate was down. One day i caught him about 5 stairs up and i employ the "1-2-3" method with him. It works. Most of the time....at least to get his attention.
i counted off....."ooooone"
And he replies..with his Gerber-baby-cute-grin on his face..."twwwwoooooooo!"
Well, at least i knew he was learning his numbers...lol
Friday, October 14, 2005
How can you stay mad at a face like this?
You can't...
i never was mad at him...but he does frustrate me to no end some days. *shrug*...that's life - that's parenting...
i hear you...he's a boy - that's his job :)
It hurts me FOR him when he blurts out things like "You don't care about me!"
i don't want him to ever feel unloved...he's a tenderheart, my mini-me is...and perfect just the way he is.
We're waiting on services with a local centre to get US the help we need with his issues around the ADHD et al. i came to the realization...or rather i was told a while back by a friend that despite my best intentions, i am not equipped to do this on my own. i have not received training specializing in ADHD. i've read everything going on it and we have a wonderful family doctor who is regularly involved with his medications and behavioural issues as best we can 'til a spot opens up at the centre.
It's happening, but sometimes the wheels turn slowly...
Frustration
i have a 9 year old son. He is my light & life...i would walk through fire for him...
BUT!!
Sometimes he drives me nuts! LOL
i realize that's his job...just as i drove my parents crazy, it's my turn to suffer.
Ben has ADHD...he has also been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, a Reading Disorder and a Writing Disorder. Everything about raising Ben to date has been a struggle...not the baby days...he was an easy baby to care for - i miss those days!! The difficulties started when he entered school and was forced to conform. Not an easy chore for my boy, especially with his challenges. Some days i feel as though i'm constantly butting heads with him, his teacher, the school and anyone else in an authority position to him. His father (we're divorced) isn't much help either, but that's a whole 'nother kettle o'fish! Perhaps i'll write on that the next time he pisses me off...lol (*coming soon*...rofl)
Anyhow, he didn't want to get out of bed this morning...so i threatened him with an in-bed shower if he didn't get a move on. *giggle*
When he finally emerged from his room for breakfast, i knew the battle was on...he just had that look in his eye, all too well known.
He doesn't like the orange juice that i buy (concentrate, not pre-made stuff that costs 5 times as much)...he's sick of the same cereal (even though he chooses - within reason, he's not allowed *sugar* cereals)...i don't care about him...i blame him for everything (i lost an expensive bracelet somewhere in the house and asked him last week if he'd seen it) and on and on...
Did i mention he's been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder??
Ben is medicated. Now before you make a judgement, hear me out. i fought it...i did not want him medicated. i thought i could "handle it", with behavioural therapy and counselling. However, our family doctor put it to me this way...if he were diabetic and needed insulin to treat his illness, would i not give him the medication in conjunction with therapy & counselling?
Point taken...*ahem*
He's with his dad this weekend...a much needed respite for myself!
BUT!!
Sometimes he drives me nuts! LOL
i realize that's his job...just as i drove my parents crazy, it's my turn to suffer.
Ben has ADHD...he has also been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, a Reading Disorder and a Writing Disorder. Everything about raising Ben to date has been a struggle...not the baby days...he was an easy baby to care for - i miss those days!! The difficulties started when he entered school and was forced to conform. Not an easy chore for my boy, especially with his challenges. Some days i feel as though i'm constantly butting heads with him, his teacher, the school and anyone else in an authority position to him. His father (we're divorced) isn't much help either, but that's a whole 'nother kettle o'fish! Perhaps i'll write on that the next time he pisses me off...lol (*coming soon*...rofl)
Anyhow, he didn't want to get out of bed this morning...so i threatened him with an in-bed shower if he didn't get a move on. *giggle*
When he finally emerged from his room for breakfast, i knew the battle was on...he just had that look in his eye, all too well known.
He doesn't like the orange juice that i buy (concentrate, not pre-made stuff that costs 5 times as much)...he's sick of the same cereal (even though he chooses - within reason, he's not allowed *sugar* cereals)...i don't care about him...i blame him for everything (i lost an expensive bracelet somewhere in the house and asked him last week if he'd seen it) and on and on...
Did i mention he's been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder??
Ben is medicated. Now before you make a judgement, hear me out. i fought it...i did not want him medicated. i thought i could "handle it", with behavioural therapy and counselling. However, our family doctor put it to me this way...if he were diabetic and needed insulin to treat his illness, would i not give him the medication in conjunction with therapy & counselling?
Point taken...*ahem*
He's with his dad this weekend...a much needed respite for myself!
Thursday, October 13, 2005
the newer me
This picture is more recent...just a couple weeks old. As i mentioned, i had my head shaved as a fundraiser (i raised about $1200 for the cause!).
my best friend's daughter has a brain tumour and she's currently undergoing chemotherapy.
i wish i could do more for them...
Georgia is a sweet and courageous little girl that was diagnosed 2 and a half years ago with an aggressive and rare form of cancer.
Your prayers are welcome.
Luv & blessings to you all.
On again...
i've done the online diary thing...it fizzled out after a short while...
Hmmm...maybe i have committment issues? lol
We'll see how it goes, but for now i'm here & will post when time allows :)
Hmmm...maybe i have committment issues? lol
We'll see how it goes, but for now i'm here & will post when time allows :)
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