Cranky

It pisses me off when people say needlessly hurtful things and sometimes I speak my mind about it, especially if I'm "in a mood".

My back has been out since I woke yesterday and there's precious little that's easing the pain. I've been to the chiropractor - I'm a mess according to him.

Duh...lol

I've got friends coming over in a bit - I think I'll break out the percocet...they have 2 rambunctious boys and when they get together with my mini-me - chaos ensues! *grin*

Christmas angst...

So...today was a pretty good day with my family, contrary to my previous forebodings about my s-i-l. She's really not a bad sort...not all the time. ;)

We ate...nibblers 'til the meal was ready, exchanged gifts, had dessert, sat around and socialized and generally just had a nice time together...

'Til my mini-me had a mild meltdown. Now granted this wasn't one of his full blown nuclear meltdowns, but it's frustrating all the same and I wish I understood him better. I wish he could make me understand him...I wish he'd open up and tell me what's wrong instead of blowing up making an unnecessary and embarrassing scene.

BTW...I did the day straight - no booze. I had a feeling things were going to get ugly with the kidlet as soon as his dad dropped him off this morning and I wanted my wits about me...my fuse can be as short as his when I'm under the influence of alcohol.

Am I In the Mood...?

For Christmas you pervs...ha :P

Sorta...I've finished shopping - with a whopping 19 & 1/2 hours to spare 'til the party at my parents' tomorrow.

I'll wrap things up tonight before going out with the girls (ruh roh). Tonight should be fun...lol

Around 10 am I'll haul ass outta bed, get on the road once my ex drops the mini-me off and go see just how mental my family can make me this year. My 2nd brother's wife and her snippy comments and perfect children...pffft

I do believe I'll arm myself with an alcohol induced wall of indifference...although that might just be a bad thing given I've been known to speak my mind while under the influence. That could prove to be entertaining...I could plead drunken idiocy...she already knows what an asshole my brother (her husband) can be when he's tight...

On second thought, I'll avoid the booze just in case I feel the need to GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

Going home...

Georgia is going home from the hospital today. Not that she is better but they are not doing anything more through her port. The Stratford medical people are getting all that she will need in the way of oxygen etc. so now our prayer is that she will be stable in her own home. Please join me in praying for that and for strength for Bill and Janet to handle everything. The other 4 kids are staying with Grandma & Grandpa tonight and hopefully they can all be together tomorrow. The little boys ask every day when they can go home.

Dear God, hear my prayer. Take this little one home to you and hold her family in your arms, giving them the strength to get through this together.

Amen

Good food....

Good company... I had the pleasure of having dinner with my good friend Kjeld (pronounced Keld - the j is silent...he's Danish, k?) who always manages to keep me in stitches with his blondeness and the Kingdom of Kjeld. He's a slut. About a year ago I bought him a pin that says SLUT....and he promptly pinned it on his shirt while we were out for dinner and told everyone how proud he was to be one...he's a giggle. We talk almost daily it seems on msn, but I don't get to see him often, so it was a real treat. That and not having to do the dishes was appealing as well.

No drinks though - it's the season for the boys in the black and whites (or at least they used to be) out prowlin' to catch anyone that's had a few too many. I need my license, thanks.

And I thank them for this.

They take quite a haranguing our boys in blue, but they do their best to keep our streets safe so we can raise our kids in relative sanity...or as sane as it can be in my world ;)

success

I used to be quite adept at beating myself up "in my head".

I have a list of rules and on this list, and it's quite extensive so I won't bore you with the details save one, it says that I am to, at all times, hold myself in the highest esteem.

That's a tough one to live up to. For every failure there was an attempt, and more often success now rather than just giving up...or not trying at all...
***********************
Oh...Annie was good! The kids in the show put on a great performance as did Miss Hannigan *grin* Many years ago (1982!), my mom bought me the soundtrack to the movie with a stellar cast (Aileen Quinn, Carol Burnett, Albert Finney, Tim Curry, Bernadette Peters) when it was released and it was obviously a favourite then...and still is. It's timeless entertainment.

And Daddy Warbucks was HOT! lol

the best of intentions...

I had big plans for our future

Said I'd give you the whole world somehow

I tried makin' good on that promise

Thought I'd be so much further by now

Never could build you a castle

Even though you're the queen of my heart

But I've had the best of intentions from the start

Now some people think I'm a loser'

Cause I seldom get things right

But you make me feel like a winner

When you wrap me in your arms so tight

Please tell me you will remember

No matter how much I do wrong

That I had the best of intentions all along

I gave you a ring

And I promised you things

I always thought we'd do

But my best-laid plans

Slipped right through my hands

To show my love for you

And if you could read my heart

Then you'd know without exception

It was all with the best of intentions

So here I am asking forgiveness

And praying that you'll understand

Don't think I take you for granted

Girl, I know just how lucky I am

Though you deserve so much better

You won't find devotion more true

'Cause I've had the best of intentions

Girl, I've had the best of intentions

Yes, I've had the best of intentions loving you

TRAVIS TRITT

****************

So...ignore any ring references...my current mood ain't about that. Besides...I like my space. I played house once and I wasn't very good at it...lol

I do not play well with others and I have difficulty sharing my toys. ;)

But the people in my life that I do care about deserve my utmost consideration....just that sometimes I feel like my best intentions aren't good enough......or maybe they're too much.

I think I'll go shovel snow.

The sun'll come up.......Tomorrow!

Annie is the Christmas show playing at The Grand Theatre. I'm taking my mini-me on Thursday evening and sometime next week, I'm going to take a friend.

I'll have that music in my head for weeks...lol

The moat was completed, the necessary foundation repairs made and all the correct "stuff" done that needed doing was done to ensure that I will NOT have a wet basement ever again and backfilled just before a BIG snowfall hit the city. It hasn't left yet either...not like the first drop that we got.

I don't like snow much. It's cold and sloppy and makes worse drivers out of already bad ones...I swear we have the worst drivers here! It's not conducive to my travel plans either...I'm not a confident snow driver, I'd rather just stay home!

Preferably curled up on a bearskin rug in front of a roaring fire with good food, good drink and good company...

I'd need a fireplace though.

flu wasted

Feel like a slug...slept most of the day *yawn*

And I got a flu shot! hmph!

holes & geishas

Sometime in the near future there will be holes dug. Actually, it's sounding more like there's going to be a trench of some sort....lol.....a moat??

Hey! I'm finally getting my castle. Where's my Prince Charming?

*giggle*

I can't help but laugh...if I don't, I think I'd cry.

Memoirs of A Geisha is coming to theatres SOON! I'm going AND buying it when it's out on DVD. I've read it only about a dozen times....lol

the money pit

I'm beginning to think that buying this particular house wasn't the most brilliant idea I've had...

Last night when I returned home from work, my tenant came up to tell me there was water coming in...not great gushing buckets full, but the floor was wet as was the new drywall, around the bottom edge.

Himself's going to look up a basement/foundation repair specialist he knows and put me in touch him.


My chiropractor told me I don't need him, I need a massage therapist...any takers??

Slow progress

I finally received a call yesterday from the agency that my mini-me is going to get treatment from. It wasn't much more than a "thanks for being so patient, I hear your pain" kinda call, but it was reassuring nonetheless to know that progress is happening even if it's at a snail's pace.

I took him to see Chicken Little last night. It was really cute and we had a good time. We needed the giggles desperately and what's more, we needed the time together where we weren't arguing about homework or bedtime or cleaning up of toys...

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my oh so tenuous grip on things...I'm crying more and more easily, I'm short tempered (ok, more short tempered than usual!) and sometimes I think about just giving up...ending it all...

But then I remember he needs me...and that's all I need to carry on...to find a way.

Nightmares

It always starts the same way. I'm being chased through a dark, cluttered, deserted building.

I find a place to hide but I hear him coming...my heart is pounding and I'm breathing hard, but trying to suppress any sound so as not to be discovered. But it always ends the same way, I hear the door to the room opening and his heavy footsteps coming towards the closet in which I'm hiding. He rattles the door knob then laughs maniacally as he pulls the door open wide and discovers me cowering...

And then I wake up...startled & terrified.

I know this stems from sexual abuse I suffered as a child from the age of about 6 to 12, at the hands of a much older cousin.

To this date, I can barely tolerate being in the same room with him. For days on end prior to a family function I'm physically ill, the nightmare comes back and I'm not a pleasant person to be around due to lack of sleep and emotional distress.

I'm torn...do I pursue what avenues I have to confront and find closure, thereby tearing my family apart or do I continue to suppress it and hope he'll get hit by a large truck so I won't have to destroy my family?

Who am I protecting?

Expectations

So my mini-me came home with a permission form to attend a "tween" dance that his father had filled out and signed off on.

Not a big deal...usually!

The dance is this Friday, on my weekend with the boy. i don't have an issue taking him, in fact i think that it'll be a good opportunity for him to hone his socialization skills, (his father could take a lesson or twenty) but the expectation is that i will, without question, just because he signed him up for it.

There is a slight cost, $4 to get in and whatever it costs for refreshments - again, not a big deal...but - if he's going to sign him up, then HE should pay for it!

Ya right!

There was also "discussion" about school pictures and book orders from Scholastic. i asked the sperm donor for some money to help pay for these items, (given that he'll be getting some of the pictures to distribute to his family IF he pays up) and got the usual response..."well, get me receipts" - problem is, i don't get receipts and i'll be damned if i'll pay the bank for the cancelled cheques to be returned to me just to satisfy him! And he knows it too...it's the one loophole he can use to get out of paying his share of expenses incurred.

*sigh*

It's an ongoing battle...he knows how to push my buttons and does so with regularity - he needs to get a life of his own and get his entertainment elsewhere.

self-doubt

While i'm working on getting over this most detrimental of personal issues, it still rears its ugly head with disappointing regularity.

Himself says i'm not allowed to have doubts about my capabilities...about myself.

Oooooook then...*deep breath*...and "smile, Sunshine...smile."

i had a meeting with my team leader and a co-worker today on a product that we now use, "WebCT Vista". It has a variety of uses and applications in our office and institution, but i'm going to be taking over a rather sizeable section for our department.

i know NOTHING about this particular piece of software...nada, zip, zilch....nuthin'!

Not a frickin' thing beyond logging in, i learned that today...lol

We are the IT department. 99% of the people that work in the department are BIG geeks...lol...i'm one of about 3 or 4 that aren't "true" geeks, we tend to be more administrative in nature. To be given this task and its enormity is extremely intimidating to me but also complimentary all at the same time. IF she didn't think i were capable, she wouldn't set me up to fail...right??? :)

TWWWOOOOO

In another blog, a friend wrote something about her new baby which triggered a memory i have of the mini-me that always makes me giggle...

He was about 10 months old and on the go. Constantly.

At that time we lived in a semi-detached house, 2 flrs and a finished basement. Nice digs for starting out as homeowners. We'd gone from living together in a semi-decent two bedroom apartment in a 3 story walk-up to married, 'sponsible parents in a brand new house in a year's time - and i was also in school full-time from the time mini-me was 6 months old.

Anyhow...the boy was a mover...*grin* and any chance he got he was up the stairs if the babygate was down. One day i caught him about 5 stairs up and i employ the "1-2-3" method with him. It works. Most of the time....at least to get his attention.

i counted off....."ooooone"

And he replies..with his Gerber-baby-cute-grin on his face..."twwwwoooooooo!"

Well, at least i knew he was learning his numbers...lol

How can you stay mad at a face like this?

You can't...

i never was mad at him...but he does frustrate me to no end some days. *shrug*...that's life - that's parenting...

i hear you...he's a boy - that's his job :)

It hurts me FOR him when he blurts out things like "You don't care about me!"

i don't want him to ever feel unloved...he's a tenderheart, my mini-me is...and perfect just the way he is.

We're waiting on services with a local centre to get US the help we need with his issues around the ADHD et al. i came to the realization...or rather i was told a while back by a friend that despite my best intentions, i am not equipped to do this on my own. i have not received training specializing in ADHD. i've read everything going on it and we have a wonderful family doctor who is regularly involved with his medications and behavioural issues as best we can 'til a spot opens up at the centre.

It's happening, but sometimes the wheels turn slowly...

Frustration

i have a 9 year old son. He is my light & life...i would walk through fire for him...

BUT!!

Sometimes he drives me nuts! LOL

i realize that's his job...just as i drove my parents crazy, it's my turn to suffer.

Ben has ADHD...he has also been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, a Reading Disorder and a Writing Disorder. Everything about raising Ben to date has been a struggle...not the baby days...he was an easy baby to care for - i miss those days!! The difficulties started when he entered school and was forced to conform. Not an easy chore for my boy, especially with his challenges. Some days i feel as though i'm constantly butting heads with him, his teacher, the school and anyone else in an authority position to him. His father (we're divorced) isn't much help either, but that's a whole 'nother kettle o'fish! Perhaps i'll write on that the next time he pisses me off...lol (*coming soon*...rofl)

Anyhow, he didn't want to get out of bed this morning...so i threatened him with an in-bed shower if he didn't get a move on. *giggle*

When he finally emerged from his room for breakfast, i knew the battle was on...he just had that look in his eye, all too well known.

He doesn't like the orange juice that i buy (concentrate, not pre-made stuff that costs 5 times as much)...he's sick of the same cereal (even though he chooses - within reason, he's not allowed *sugar* cereals)...i don't care about him...i blame him for everything (i lost an expensive bracelet somewhere in the house and asked him last week if he'd seen it) and on and on...

Did i mention he's been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder??

Ben is medicated. Now before you make a judgement, hear me out. i fought it...i did not want him medicated. i thought i could "handle it", with behavioural therapy and counselling. However, our family doctor put it to me this way...if he were diabetic and needed insulin to treat his illness, would i not give him the medication in conjunction with therapy & counselling?

Point taken...*ahem*

He's with his dad this weekend...a much needed respite for myself!

the newer me

This picture is more recent...just a couple weeks old. As i mentioned, i had my head shaved as a fundraiser (i raised about $1200 for the cause!).

my best friend's daughter has a brain tumour and she's currently undergoing chemotherapy.

i wish i could do more for them...

Georgia is a sweet and courageous little girl that was diagnosed 2 and a half years ago with an aggressive and rare form of cancer.

Your prayers are welcome.

Luv & blessings to you all.

On again...

i've done the online diary thing...it fizzled out after a short while...

Hmmm...maybe i have committment issues? lol

We'll see how it goes, but for now i'm here & will post when time allows :)

That's me...i don't have that much hair anymore - i shaved my head back in July for a fundraiser...